Commentary: Rudeness is everywhere! Or are we misunderstanding each other?

SINGAPORE: Have you ever received a text or e-mail that left you feeling offended?
You are not alone. Complaints about rudeness are aplenty – be they about passive-aggressive WhatsApp messages, impatient drivers on the road, inconsiderate behaviours on public transport, or diners unhappy with hawkers.
Social media is flooded with grievances about declining manners and a growing insensitivity to others.
Is society genuinely becoming ruder?
A recent experience made me reconsider this. I received an e-mail from a student that seemed rude and antagonistic. When we met in person, she was polite and respectful – nothing at all like the persona I imagined from her e-mails.
This got me wondering: Are we losing our ability to communicate respectfully in our increasingly digitised world?
At the heart of this issue is the concept of communicative rituals – the words, gestures, and social cues we use often go beyond their literal meanings.
The philosopher, Li Chenyang, describes communicative rituals as a kind of “cultural grammar” that enables us to effectively interpret the meaning behind certain gestures and words.
Misunderstandings arise when people from different cultures, generations, or social groups interact without sharing the same cultural grammar.
“How are you?” can be used as a sincere question about one’s well-being in some cultures, and as a casual greeting in others. I was puzzled by my first visit to Australia as a teenager when people asked, “How are you?”, but walked away before I could complete my sentence.
When people are unaware of such differences in cultural grammars, it is easy to perceive unexpected behaviours as rude.
We may also unintentionally inflict rudeness on others by simply being unaware of the appropriate communicative rituals to express ourselves well in different settings.
These misunderstandings are not new, but they are made worse by the rise of digital communications.
Algorithms curate our online experiences, surrounding us with like-minded individuals, typically of similar age groups or cultural backgrounds. This limits our exposure to a diversity of communicative practices, making us less sensitive to how others might interpret the same words or gestures differently.
Baby Boomers, Gen X, Gen Y, Gen Z, and even Gen Alpha have each developed their own communicative rituals – often unbeknownst to one another.
Are you aware of how different generations communicate?
Here’s a simple test: Is there a difference between replying “Ok” (without a full stop) versus “Ok.” (with a full stop)?
Older generations typically use “Ok.” (with a full stop), viewing the effort to use proper punctuation as a sign of respect.
Younger generations, on the other hand, tend to perceive “Ok.” (with a full stop) as passive-aggression – the sender is upset enough to go through the hassle of adding that final punctuation.
I learnt that I had accidentally made students anxious just by replying “Ok.” to their requests – they thought I was upset with them.
If this surprises you, you might be in a communicative bubble.
Communicative bubbles make us less aware of the communicative rituals of others – the differences can be so subtle they go unnoticed – leading us to misinterpret their behaviour, or unintentionally act in ways that lead to misunderstandings, both online and offline.
Online interactions exacerbate the issue. In the absence of non-verbal cues, we read text messages in our own voice, coloured by our mindsets, biases, emotions, and insecurities.
A polite sign-off like, “I look forward to hearing from you soon”, can be read as an enthusiastic or passive-aggressive sign, depending on the reader. Similarly, the frequent use of exclamation marks in e-mails can be interpreted as excitement or sarcasm.
As we interpret text messages through the lens of our perspective, we are prone to make quick judgments based on the limited information on our screens – making it easy to feel offended when none was intended.
This weakens our ability to empathise, making it harder to see where others are coming from – this affects our real-world interactions.
I have observed this play out in real life. Young people may take offence when an elderly person asks many questions. They perceive it as rudeness to be so nosy about their private lives – many do not realise that it is that generation’s communicative ritual to express care and concern. Older individuals also misinterpret the actions of younger people as disrespectful without realising that it is just a difference in communicative styles.
In both cases, those taking offence are not open to the possibility that they might have misunderstood the others’ intentions, closing the doors to empathy.
Some, unfortunately, choose to reciprocate perceived rudeness with deliberate rudeness – contributing to the growing number of rude behaviours reported online.
There is an urgent need for empathy today. Our communicative bubbles are shrinking, leading to misunderstandings not only across generations but even within them. I have noticed a rise in older students complaining about the rudeness of their juniors, and vice versa – these complaints stem in differences in interpretation over words or gestures.
These clashes reflect a deeper issue of evolving communicative rituals and our collective struggle to adapt.
Empathy is key. But it is not about imagining how we might feel in someone else’s shoes – it is about trying to understand how they feel in their shoes. This requires conscious effort to step outside ourselves and recognise that what we perceive as rude may not have been intended that way.
The more we resist the urge to assume negative intentions, the easier it is to see where others might be coming from.
Misunderstandings may be inevitable, but they are not impossible to overcome.
Effective communication requires finding common ground – together.
By practicing empathy, we can broaden our understanding of the diverse communicative rituals in our society, enabling us to navigate the evolving “cultural grammars” across different groups.
By acknowledging our own communicative bubbles, we can make intentional efforts to connect with those different from us. This goes beyond merely avoiding unintentional rudeness – it enriches our interactions and cultivates meaningful connections.
These efforts can help us go beyond a “smart” nation in this increasingly digitised society – we have what it takes to be an empathetic one.
Jonathan Sim is Assistant Director (Pedagogy), NUS AI Centre for Educational Technologies; Fellow, NUS Teaching Academy; and Lecturer of Philosophy, Faculty of Arts & Social Sciences, National University of Singapore.